Thursday, April 13, 2006
Sisters at heart.......always. Jackie, Judith and Me.
I have a lot of phobias, and one of my worst is the fear of Flying. It doesnt worry me so badly now. And perhaps the more often I fly the better I will get. (hint to the hubby)
So Norm, I am ready to go again anytime that you are!
My depression kicked in really really bad when we got back home. It is mostly from coming back home and knowing all of the decisions that have to be made and tended to....and one of our sons is thinking about moving back home and living at home through college. And the other son is trying to get all of his student loans in order for his first year in college. His college of choice is Concordia University in St Paul, MN. I keep telling him he can do anything he puts his mind to it.
But, I am my all of my kids biggest fan. The one that is going to ST Paul has a heart of Gold, and is not afraid to accept a challenge. He is starting college now, he is 21. Now he has had time to get it together and really think about what he wants to do with his career. He loves kids, he knows more than I thought about the bible and scriptures, and he is a lot of fun to be with.
Well, I should hit the hay. It is 3 a.m. OH MY GOODNESS!!!!!!! I NEVER stay up this late unless I am sick as a dog....oh well. Until next time....God Bless you all.
Well, what a great trip we had. None of us wanted to come home. My husband and I, and 2 other couples that are friends of ours, went on a 7 night Carribean cruise. Our belated honeymoon.
I have a lot of phobias, and one of my worst is the fear of Flying. It doesnt worry me so badly now. And perhaps the more often I fly the better I will get. (hint to the hubby)
So Norm, I am ready to go again anytime that you are!
My depression kicked in really really bad when we got back home. It is mostly from coming back home and knowing all of the decisions that have to be made and tended to....and one of our sons is thinking about moving back home and living at home through college. And the other son is trying to get all of his student loans in order for his first year in college. His college of choice is Concordia University in St Paul, MN. I keep telling him he can do anything he puts his mind to it.
But, I am my all of my kids biggest fan. The one that is going to ST Paul has a heart of Gold, and is not afraid to accept a challenge. He is starting college now, he is 21. Now he has had time to get it together and really think about what he wants to do with his career. He loves kids, he knows more than I thought about the bible and scriptures, and he is a lot of fun to be with.
Well, I should hit the hay. It is 3 a.m. OH MY GOODNESS!!!!!!! I NEVER stay up this late unless I am sick as a dog....oh well. Until next time....God Bless you all.
Tuesday, March 28, 2006
Our Honeymoon Approaches...
Since then, I have continued to cough and sweat and breath funny, it is harder to breath everyday. SO needless to say I have been very frusterated with it all. This is March 28, 2006. Today I went back to the doctor, he said I have a throat, ear and sinus infection, along with probably pluerisy in the right lung now.
My sweet wonderful husband booked us on a Cruise to the Carribean that leave this coming Saturday....it is our delayed honeymooon trip...we had, as you know by now, to blend our families, his 2 kids and my 1. So we went for a weekend honeymoon when we were married. And half jokingly and half seriously, he told me when we were married that he would take me on a real honeymoon for our 7th anniversary. Isn't he awesome? This last December we celebrated our 6th anniversary, and that means this coming December will be our 7th. He DID it! He has always always kept his promises to me, and then some. He makes my life worth living.
Even not feeling well, I am so excited about going now that the time is approaching so near.
We only have one son left at home now, and he is suppose to be going away to college in the fall. Right now he is in Florida visiting some of his family on his dads side that moved there about 6 months ago. He is thinking about going back there in the summer and getting a summer job there for spending money and experience.
But, first we have to see if he needs his other foot operated on. Lets hope not. His recovery would be 3- 4 months like the other foot. So he might have to give up fall semester in order to heal well before going off to college. We shall see. I have 2 different drs going to look at him and give us their opinions.
I have told myself, and I mean it. that I want this trip to be all about Norm and I only. Not any baggage from here of our children and families are going with us. Once we get on the plane, it is OUR week to party and have a great time. At least that is what I am going to try to do.
Those of you who really really know me, will know this might not be possible for me to do, but, I think it is important for my husbands sake, as well as mine.
Life is odd sometimes and harder to figure out my own than anyone's.
I am very tired of fighting with myself, about things. But, I truly can not shut it off.
The only other thing I have to say right now, is if you read this and can send me a comment about it. We are flying, obviously, to our destination, and I literally hate to fly. But, I am going to, for my husbands sake. However, it is terrifying to do. And I think it will be the only brave thing I do for the week we are gone.
It is really really difficult to do for me. I almost have panic attacks thinking about it. But, I know it will be ok. My husband will see to it that I am safe, etc.
Well, my depression is always present in my life and personality. I hope I allow myself to have fun too, and to not feel like I have to be "ON" all the time we are around our friends going too. I am a deeper person than that, and most people never know or see that part of me.
Until next time.......
I am sorry that I have not written in here for ages. But, my physical health has really really been bad. It all started with pnemonia diagnosed 2 days before Christmas, then in January with pluerisy in the left lung, then a couple of weeks into February with shingles, internally around my lung and on my back around the perimeter of the left lung. Not very many just enough to be annoying.
Since then, I have continued to cough and sweat and breath funny, it is harder to breath everyday. SO needless to say I have been very frusterated with it all. This is March 28, 2006. Today I went back to the doctor, he said I have a throat, ear and sinus infection, along with probably pluerisy in the right lung now.
My sweet wonderful husband booked us on a Cruise to the Carribean that leave this coming Saturday....it is our delayed honeymooon trip...we had, as you know by now, to blend our families, his 2 kids and my 1. So we went for a weekend honeymoon when we were married. And half jokingly and half seriously, he told me when we were married that he would take me on a real honeymoon for our 7th anniversary. Isn't he awesome? This last December we celebrated our 6th anniversary, and that means this coming December will be our 7th. He DID it! He has always always kept his promises to me, and then some. He makes my life worth living.
Even not feeling well, I am so excited about going now that the time is approaching so near.
We only have one son left at home now, and he is suppose to be going away to college in the fall. Right now he is in Florida visiting some of his family on his dads side that moved there about 6 months ago. He is thinking about going back there in the summer and getting a summer job there for spending money and experience.
But, first we have to see if he needs his other foot operated on. Lets hope not. His recovery would be 3- 4 months like the other foot. So he might have to give up fall semester in order to heal well before going off to college. We shall see. I have 2 different drs going to look at him and give us their opinions.
I have told myself, and I mean it. that I want this trip to be all about Norm and I only. Not any baggage from here of our children and families are going with us. Once we get on the plane, it is OUR week to party and have a great time. At least that is what I am going to try to do.
Those of you who really really know me, will know this might not be possible for me to do, but, I think it is important for my husbands sake, as well as mine.
Life is odd sometimes and harder to figure out my own than anyone's.
I am very tired of fighting with myself, about things. But, I truly can not shut it off.
The only other thing I have to say right now, is if you read this and can send me a comment about it. We are flying, obviously, to our destination, and I literally hate to fly. But, I am going to, for my husbands sake. However, it is terrifying to do. And I think it will be the only brave thing I do for the week we are gone.
It is really really difficult to do for me. I almost have panic attacks thinking about it. But, I know it will be ok. My husband will see to it that I am safe, etc.
Well, my depression is always present in my life and personality. I hope I allow myself to have fun too, and to not feel like I have to be "ON" all the time we are around our friends going too. I am a deeper person than that, and most people never know or see that part of me.
Until next time.......
Friday, January 06, 2006
Just One More Thing For Today.......
And each time the darkness draws near me, it is a little closer than it was before.
As the darkness tries to suck me into it, I am trying to fight it off. But, it is so hard to do, because it feels like a comfort zone. An old friend.
And each time the darkness draws near me, it is a little closer than it was before.
The Love of The Darkness
My depression is kicked up again. Most likely due to my situation with my sons health and my own health. The sad part of it all is that I would not be in the least bit suprised if I find out that I have some kind of illness that will take a battle to win. But, then again, part of living with depression is you have a negative attitude about things, so maybe that is where that is coming from.
My husband and I are going on a cruise the 1st week of April this year, and anything that I have, if I have anything that hasn't been diagnosed already, can wait until we get back. This is our honeymoon trip that we didnt take in 1999 when we were married and had 3 teenagers to raise. Now, we have the money to go, so we are going. And it is important to me that we to on this trip with no negative news, and or vibes.
Darkness is becoming my friend again. That scares me a little.
Until next time.......
The comfort I feel of being alone with myself is a new experience. I use to hate to be alone. Now I cherish the times when I am alone. The only thing I would rather do than be alone is be with my husband.
My depression is kicked up again. Most likely due to my situation with my sons health and my own health. The sad part of it all is that I would not be in the least bit suprised if I find out that I have some kind of illness that will take a battle to win. But, then again, part of living with depression is you have a negative attitude about things, so maybe that is where that is coming from.
My husband and I are going on a cruise the 1st week of April this year, and anything that I have, if I have anything that hasn't been diagnosed already, can wait until we get back. This is our honeymoon trip that we didnt take in 1999 when we were married and had 3 teenagers to raise. Now, we have the money to go, so we are going. And it is important to me that we to on this trip with no negative news, and or vibes.
Darkness is becoming my friend again. That scares me a little.
Until next time.......
Thursday, January 05, 2006
I Need You Lord
The other thing that might be bothering me is my own health issues. We are going on a honeymoon trip, (we were married 6 years ago and my husband said then that on our 7th anniversary we would go on a honeymoon - we had 3 teenagers when we were married), and I don't want to go through the testing and things that they might want to do to me to find out what other problems I might have going on.
Plus, I am currently battling a respiratory infection that I have had since the week before Christmas. And my husband was diagnosed with broncitis on Monday.
Gee, after writing it all down, I can see why I might be a little down right now.
I have been praying a lot lately for God to help me feel His presence. I need to feel His love and understanding. I need to know He is with me through this.
Monday night I did not sleep until morning. I was up praying for my son to heal and be well for 7 hours.
Until next time.......
My heart is heavy today with a sadness that even I don't quite understand. I am very concerned about my son and his health. I thought by now his foot would be well on the way to being healed. But, it is not. About the only thing left to do to it is to cut the nerve that is sensing the pain that is not there. That would mean that his foot, and perhaps part of his leg, would be numb for the rest of his life. He is 20.
The other thing that might be bothering me is my own health issues. We are going on a honeymoon trip, (we were married 6 years ago and my husband said then that on our 7th anniversary we would go on a honeymoon - we had 3 teenagers when we were married), and I don't want to go through the testing and things that they might want to do to me to find out what other problems I might have going on.
Plus, I am currently battling a respiratory infection that I have had since the week before Christmas. And my husband was diagnosed with broncitis on Monday.
Gee, after writing it all down, I can see why I might be a little down right now.
I have been praying a lot lately for God to help me feel His presence. I need to feel His love and understanding. I need to know He is with me through this.
Monday night I did not sleep until morning. I was up praying for my son to heal and be well for 7 hours.
Until next time.......
Wednesday, January 04, 2006
The Bonus Part of Life
My emotional state is about the same as it has always been, it is just the new medicine that I am taking helps me to keep things locked up inside of myself and let them out when I am alone.
I have many more fears than my family are aware of. Deep seated fears. But, usually I go ahead and and plod through them. But, I never really conquer them.
Actually, the rest of what life I have and get are a bonus anyway. My job is finished. My son is 20, and nearly finished. He could finish himself if need be. So, what memories and love and days I get now are the bonus part of life.
Since my son has needed my help to recover over the past year, it has kept me out of the darkness and into the light. But, I miss the darkness sometimes. Somedays, I would like to just lay down in a dark room and not think, move or speak. Maybe it is a good thing that I haven't had the time or the energy to draw into myself and my depression. Currently, I am worried about him becoming depressed. He is really getting tired of being hurt. I am praying and hoping that God takes his pain away soon. It has been enough.
The darkness, to someone who has depression, is like a friend. But, it is also a friend that you eventually hope you can give up. I am not ready to let it go. I still need it and the comfort it gives me.
Until next time.......
Lately, I have been sensing a battle coming on with my health. Perhaps it is as simple as the pnemonia I am still getting over. Or, perhaps it will be a much more serious problem. But, I know one thing, I am grateful for the life that I have here, and I am grateful that my children are all raised and can be independant if need be.
My emotional state is about the same as it has always been, it is just the new medicine that I am taking helps me to keep things locked up inside of myself and let them out when I am alone.
I have many more fears than my family are aware of. Deep seated fears. But, usually I go ahead and and plod through them. But, I never really conquer them.
Actually, the rest of what life I have and get are a bonus anyway. My job is finished. My son is 20, and nearly finished. He could finish himself if need be. So, what memories and love and days I get now are the bonus part of life.
Since my son has needed my help to recover over the past year, it has kept me out of the darkness and into the light. But, I miss the darkness sometimes. Somedays, I would like to just lay down in a dark room and not think, move or speak. Maybe it is a good thing that I haven't had the time or the energy to draw into myself and my depression. Currently, I am worried about him becoming depressed. He is really getting tired of being hurt. I am praying and hoping that God takes his pain away soon. It has been enough.
The darkness, to someone who has depression, is like a friend. But, it is also a friend that you eventually hope you can give up. I am not ready to let it go. I still need it and the comfort it gives me.
Until next time.......
Monday, December 19, 2005
HO HO HO.......Stress time
The past couple of months have been hard for me due to the holidays. I miss spoiling my dad on the holidays. Yet, I am so greatful that I have my husband and our 4 children...well they are all adults so calling them children isnt really fair. But, I will always think of them as my kids. And Daniel is our newest addition to the family, he married our daughter this past summer. He is a wonderful man. And they are good for eachother.
It doesnt help my emotions right now that I am sick. What happens to me every year is I get really stressed because I want to make the holidays perfect for my kids and now my mom, and of course my husband. He is the most important person for me to make happy. So that is what I try to do. Eventually my body slows me down by making me get sick.
My brother does not usually involve me and my husband on holidays. It hurts me really really bad. Makes me cry when I think about it, so I try not to. But, in the back of my mind it is always there. An emptiness. I miss my brother a lot.
Last Thanksgiving 2004, they invited us to dinner at their home with them and my mom and their 4 kids. The kids are all under 12. When we left for the day, we were going through the garage, and I blacked out, Norm caught me from behind.
It was from overmedicating myself. I think subconsciously I was doing it on purpose at the time. I really had a much harder time loosing my dad than people know. Even my husband doesnt know.
Well, anyway, my point is, we all go through rough times. My brother has shut me out of their lives, even more than normal, since that happend. There was a time in my brothers life where I almost had to drag him through it. He was very emotionally sick for a few years. Very Depressed. I spent about 5 out of 7 evenings a week with him, at least, during that time.
Life is way too short to waste it. But, I have tried, and I am not going to push it any further. He has a hectic life and 4 children and a wife. That in itself would be hard.
Sometimes I think people should spend the holiday, thanksgiving, christmas, easter alone with their spouses and children. That would save people a lot of stress in trying to figure out what to do about all the other family. Except of course the grandparents. They should get to choose where they go and when.
Until next time.......
This life here on earth is worth living, but, let me tell you something, it is difficult for people with depression. Everyday it is one step at a time. Baby steps at that.
The past couple of months have been hard for me due to the holidays. I miss spoiling my dad on the holidays. Yet, I am so greatful that I have my husband and our 4 children...well they are all adults so calling them children isnt really fair. But, I will always think of them as my kids. And Daniel is our newest addition to the family, he married our daughter this past summer. He is a wonderful man. And they are good for eachother.
It doesnt help my emotions right now that I am sick. What happens to me every year is I get really stressed because I want to make the holidays perfect for my kids and now my mom, and of course my husband. He is the most important person for me to make happy. So that is what I try to do. Eventually my body slows me down by making me get sick.
My brother does not usually involve me and my husband on holidays. It hurts me really really bad. Makes me cry when I think about it, so I try not to. But, in the back of my mind it is always there. An emptiness. I miss my brother a lot.
Last Thanksgiving 2004, they invited us to dinner at their home with them and my mom and their 4 kids. The kids are all under 12. When we left for the day, we were going through the garage, and I blacked out, Norm caught me from behind.
It was from overmedicating myself. I think subconsciously I was doing it on purpose at the time. I really had a much harder time loosing my dad than people know. Even my husband doesnt know.
Well, anyway, my point is, we all go through rough times. My brother has shut me out of their lives, even more than normal, since that happend. There was a time in my brothers life where I almost had to drag him through it. He was very emotionally sick for a few years. Very Depressed. I spent about 5 out of 7 evenings a week with him, at least, during that time.
Life is way too short to waste it. But, I have tried, and I am not going to push it any further. He has a hectic life and 4 children and a wife. That in itself would be hard.
Sometimes I think people should spend the holiday, thanksgiving, christmas, easter alone with their spouses and children. That would save people a lot of stress in trying to figure out what to do about all the other family. Except of course the grandparents. They should get to choose where they go and when.
Until next time.......
Friday, December 16, 2005
Christmas is Coming My Feet are getting Fat!
Somedays are good, and some days are bad for me these days. Holidays are really hard after you loose someone you love and are close to. But, we will manage. This is the 2nd year without my dad and it seems harder than last year was for some reason.
I think maybe I need more rest and less projects. But, I am hoping that comes after the first of the year. I will have to get alot of rest after it is all over. At least I should.
Hope you all have Happy Holidays.
Hey there. Hope you are all well. I am about too pooped to pop. Finished Christmas shopping today. My feet are swollen so bad I had to take off my socks. They were cutting off the circulation in my feet.
Somedays are good, and some days are bad for me these days. Holidays are really hard after you loose someone you love and are close to. But, we will manage. This is the 2nd year without my dad and it seems harder than last year was for some reason.
I think maybe I need more rest and less projects. But, I am hoping that comes after the first of the year. I will have to get alot of rest after it is all over. At least I should.
Hope you all have Happy Holidays.
